Dear Amy: The #SMEtiquette of Discussing Vaccines

This week's edition of Dear Amy is probably a bit controversial due to the subject. But this is not about vaccinations - it is about how to properly handle a public conversation on a contentious issue.Try not to get into arguments over vaccines in the comments. And if you start insulting other commenters (no matter which side you come down on in the vaccine argument), I will delete your comments and consider barring you from commenting here. Let's all conduct ourselves with the proper degree of #SMEtiquette, shall we?

Dear Amy:I couldn’t decide if I should get my flu shot this year, so I decided to ask my friends. So I did, on Facebook. A friend of a friend saw the discussion and jumped in to explain how vaccines cause autism and are evil and how only someone who’s stupid would get a flu shot.Some of my friends jumped in and started arguing, and before I knew it, there was a whole fight on my Facebook wall about vaccines and I got no help in making a decision. Plus, the fight got nasty and it made me wish I’d never asked about it in the first place. What did I do wrong?Sincerely,Frazzled by the Flu Shot

Dear Frazzled:It used to be that there were two things one never talked about in polite conversation: Politics and religion.Somehow or another, in the past decade, vaccinations have become a third topic to avoid.My response to you is not going to be a discussion over the efficacy of vaccines. I’ve written about it in the past, and it’s no secret which side I come down on. But that’s not the point here.The point is, if you’re debating whether or not to get a flu shot, chances are you believe in vaccinations. I’m not going to get into the whys and wherefores of how someone who believes in vaccinations is suspicious of the flu shot – there are a lot of different reasons and I’m not a doctor or an expert in the field.There are a lot of people out there who will jump at any chance to tell others how the vaccine does nothing but make people sick and that vaccines in general are just a big con job by Big Pharma. Expect it. You may even be surprised by some of the people who express this opinion.Expect this to happen. When it does happen, step in to say that you appreciate their opinion, but this is not a debate over vaccines. You’re simply trying to decide whether to get the flu shot this year. Ask this person to drop the subject. It is your Facebook wall this is happening on.If and when your other friends jump into that part of the conversation, ask them to focus on the subject at hand, and not to get into an argument. If an argument breaks out, put your foot down. Tell everyone involved that if there are any more comments made that put down other friends of yours, that you will delete them.Then do it. Delete the offensive comments. Let people know that this is your wall, and your conversation, and you’re not going to allow it to devolve into a name-calling fest.This is very different advice than is given to and by companies, brands, and people who use social media professionally. We’re always told, “Never delete anything! Be transparent! Let everyone see everything!”Sure. If someone’s insulting your brand, you certainly should leave that up, because otherwise you’re going to be accused of trying to hide the negative.This is different. This is personal. And you’ll preface it all with, “The next comment anyone makes that puts down someone else, I’m deleting. Period. I won’t have people attacking friends of mine on my own Facebook conversation.”You’re not hiding it, you’re forcing those involved to stay civil and not start World War III. You’re being open about the fact that you’re going to delete those comments, and why.If this happened in person, in your house, wouldn’t you step in and tell your friends that you’re not going to allow them to fight and call each other names in your house? Maybe you wouldn’t, but you’d certainly be entitled to. Same here.I have only very occasionally used this on my own Facebook wall. Perhaps once or twice. But in both cases, I carried through with the threat to delete, and the conversation reverted to a more civil discourse.It’s fine if people disagree. But it’s not acceptable to get personal and insulting in those disagreements.So what did you do wrong? Some might say you asked the question in the first place – vaccines, the third rail of social media. You didn’t really do anything wrong. But you could (I would not say should) have put your foot down and not allowed the argument to spiral out of control. I’d imagine you didn’t put your foot down because you didn’t want to be mean.That would not have been mean, however. It would have been a way to stop others from being mean.