Dispatches from a mother who never thought she'd have children
"Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
— Elizabeth Stone
I was one of those people who never planned to have children. From a young age, I knew I didn't want to get married or have children. I needed to be a free spirit, going where the news took me. Honestly, I didn't really like children. I baby-sat as a teen, and my wards liked me, but it was all about the money for me, not about taking care of children. The best part was that they usually went to bed early.I won't go into detail about how and why I decided to have children, but when I look at my little guys I can barely remember life before them. Of course, that's because I no longer have room for those memories and can, frankly, barely remember what I ate for breakfast on any given day. I can, however, tell you almost verbatim, a conversation I had with one of my boys five years ago. Go figure.When I had my first son, I was worried about having a second child. Would I be able to love him or her as much as my first-born? It sounds ridiculous, but I couldn't believe the love that swelled in my heart when I looked at his impish smile. Then my second son came along. Serene and quiet and watching ... always watching.Any thoughts that I wouldn't find enough love for him immediately melted away. The sweetness with which is older brother stroked his head? I looked at my family and wondered how I was so lucky.The first several years of our marriage, we talked about having children, but it was always in the undetermined future. We traveled, we stayed up all night, we went on road trips at the drop of a hat.The future has a way of creeping up on you and whammo, it's there. Now my boys are closing in on their teen years and while I still see the babies they once were, I see the young men they are becoming. I wonder what it will be like when they are adults and invite us for Thanksgiving dinner.I wonder it will be like when they find their life partners - if they do. Will they have children, or will they be like the old me and know that they never want them?But mostly, I wonder how I can get my older son out of bed in the morning without losing my mind.Photo credit: RTD Photography via Foter.com / CC BY-SA