Dear Amy: The #SMEtiquette of the Ice Bucket Challenge

I thought long and hard about whether to use the words "ice bucket challenge" in the headline here. Though this question was specifically about the ALS ice bucket challenge, it's really applicable to any charitable request from friends and others you receive through social media (or by any other method).Submit your questions!My friend Pamela Grow asked this the other day:

Can you ignore an ice bucket challenge? 1, I'm not a dumping a bucket of water on my head kinda woman, and 2, ALS has raised nearly $100 million to date. And while I wholly support 'em, I'd rather give my $100 to a small charity. What is a clever and sincere way to respond?

Dear Everyone:The fact that someone even has to wonder what's a polite way to respond to the challenge is troubling to me. Since when is it acceptable to bully anyone into any sort of charitable giving?Many, many posts have been written about the challenge, focusing on all sorts of issues that I won't address here. In general, people participating have the best of intentions and are doing a good thing (with exceptions for cases where someone ended up in the hospital).The problem is, when something becomes so well-known and popular, those being tagged to participate begin to feel undue pressure to do so. There is no reason whatsoever why anyone tagged in the challenge must participate. In fact, the challenge really started (before it was associated with ALS) with the donation connected to it being one of the participant's choice. To quote the Slate article I just linked to, "the stunt was really just about getting their friends to film themselves doing something dumb for no reason. The charity part was an afterthought."That doesn't lessen the value or import of the challenge as it's evolved. I'd even say adding the charity aspect at least gave the challenge a point, rather than just people doing silly stunts. We have enough silly stunts to last us a lifetime. Just spend a couple hours on YouTube one day.So, back to Pam's point: Not everyone cares to dump water on her head. And not everyone wants to donate to the same charities. Even if you support an organization's cause, that doesn't mean that's the organization you care to spend your charitable dollars on.I don't really feel it requires any response, truth be told. Someone took the ice bucket challenge. That person then challenged a few friends to participate. If someone donated to any other organization and then suggested you as someone who might donate, would you be required to donate, or to respond?No.In fact, I was challenged. Two of those challenged with me chose not to dump water on their heads and just gave the $100 donation. I didn't do anything - my family has its own organizations and efforts we spend our charitable dollars on. Though the last week or so has been so hot that dumping an ice-cold bucket of water on my head might not have seemed like such a bad thing, my lack of participation was no reflection on those who did participate.I felt like publicly saying that I wasn't going to participate would come off as mean-spirited, though it certainly wouldn't have been meant that way. Not saying anything at all seemed the most polite thing to do in my situation. That's not necessarily the right thing for everyone, but it was for me.You have to take into account the person who challenged you - how good a friend is he? Would he be offended if you didn't participate and also didn't tell him that?However you respond, you want to make sure that you don't make it sound as if you're saying you're too important to dump water on your head or that you don't think the charity is worthwhile. Even if you think either of those two things, that would come across as putting down your friend who challenged you as doing something that's beneath you.It's perfectly acceptable to say you've made your charitable donations and that you appreciate the thought. And if anyone then tries to bully you into dumping the water on your head, tell him that bullying someone into participating doesn't really seem like the kind of behavior the ALS organization would stand behind.