Dear Amy: The #SMEtiquette of Having a Bad Memory (Plus, a Poll!)

I have a little something special this week - a poll, sparked by a couple of articles written by Evan Selinger of the Rochester Institute of Technology.Evan writes a lot on privacy and humanity in our online experiences and we once spoke together (along with Matthew Ingram of Gigaom) on a Huffington Post Live segment about tweeting from funerals. These two articles are about apps that help people outsource pieces of their relationships, and what that really means for us.One article in Wired, titled, "Today's Apps are Turning Us Into Sociopaths," Selinger discusses BroApp, which is billed as a "clever relationship wingman." It even comes pre-loaded with a dozen texts that can be sent to the ladies the Bros are pursuing. (Side note: Why would you ever download an app that includes "Bro" in the name?) The other, in The Atlantic, titled, "The Outsourced Lover," Selinger takes a look at Romantimatic, an app that even suggest you don't mention to your lover that you're using an app to remind yourself to tell her you love her.As Selinger put it so aptly in the Atlantic piece,

... these moments of dependence on others for relationship management—of both people and things—should be the exception.If they are the rule, your character is impaired. Serious questions need to be asked about why that’s the case and how often you’re behaving inappropriately.

So, with that in mind, I have a couple of questions for you:[socialpoll id="2191995"][socialpoll id="2192016"]OK, so. On to this week's  Dear Amy #SMEtiquette question — one I've grappled with many times myself. I'm extremely forgetful of people's names - sometimes forgetting the name just moments after being introduced. A day or a week later online, sometimes without a recent photo to accompany it? I might as well not even try, though I do.So it was with great sympathy that I took this week's question.

Dear Amy:How do I ask a stranger requesting to follow me online how I know them without being rude?Sincerely, Forgetful Friend

Dear Forgetful:It used to be the only strangers we were in contact with in this way were pen pals. People used to exchange written letters with people they didn’t know, getting acquainted over the years with a perfect stranger, maybe one day meeting and feeling this odd intimacy with someone they were meeting for the first time.This happens all the time now, no stamps required, on social media. Often we don’t meet in person at all, and maybe don’t even have a phone call or video chat with them, but conduct all our communication over open channels, for all the world to see.While this is a great way to meet new people – and my life has been enriched greatly by many such relationships – it also can create a false sense of intimacy with people we’ve never exchanged two words with.On some platforms, it’s easier than others to ask a person how you know them discretely. On LinkedIn, check out her profile and your mutual connections. Reply to the connection request before accepting and ask. I’ve had to do so several times and sometimes have found the person was someone I did know from some segment of my life. I’m really bad with names, so it happens.On Facebook, if someone has sent you a friend request, you can send him a message, and it should end up in his main mailbox.In either of those cases, I’ve sometimes written self-deprecating messages such as this:“Hi Morrissey! Thanks so much for the connection request. My memory’s not what it once was (and it was never all that, to be honest), and I’m afraid I’m drawing a blank on where we know each other from. Would you mind jogging my memory? Did we work together in Arizona or South Florida? Were we best friends in kindergarten? Did we work at summer camp together? Knowing me, we met last week and I’m going to be really embarrassed.“Thanks so much for understanding, and I look forward to hearing from you.”See, if we do know each other, then it’s on me for not remembering. And it’s true: I have a horrid memory for names. You can ask most people I’ve met, because I’ve probably had to embarrass myself by asking their name again, possibly 5 minutes after first hearing it. Thank goodness for nametags.So my message is polite, has me shouldering at least partial responsibility for not recognizing the name and also indicates I’ve lived in a lot of places and have many areas of my past where my contacts draw from.There’s also nothing wrong with something simpler:“Hi Morrissey! Thanks so much for the connection request. Could you refresh my memory on how we know each other?“Thanks!”Short, sweet and to the point.Now, if you are positive you do not know this person at all, and they’re asking to be connected to you on LinkedIn or Facebook, or to follow you on your private Twitter or Instagram account, you’re perfectly within your rights to reject the request.  I do that sparingly and more often leave the requests unresponded to because I sometimes do meet the people at a later date and accept the request.I’ve focused almost solely on Facebook and LinkedIn here because on most other platforms, you simply follow people and don’t have to ask their permission to connect. The exceptions there are when you have a private or locked Twitter or Instagram account.Tl;dr: Don’t be afraid to ask the person. Just be polite and recognize that you might just need a little memory jog.