Dear Amy: The #SMEtiquette of Disagreeing with a Co-worker's Non-Work Behavior

We've all read the stories about people losing their jobs because of something they posted on social media. For every one of those stories, there are probably dozens more. And for every one of those stories, there are probably hundreds more like the one we're hearing today.In short, if you don't agree with a co-worker's behavior when she's not on the job and has no bearing on her work, is it really your place to report that to your boss?It happens, and it happens probably more than we realize.Don't forget to submit your question!

Dear Amy:I teach young children. My co-workers are all different ages, and they’re all really good at their jobs. But one in particular sometimes posts photos of herself partying and recently posted a joke about sex. I thought that sent the wrong message, so I reported her to the principal. Now she’s mad at me, as are other co-workers. What did I do wrong?Tattling Teacher

Dear Tattling:I have to ask: Who was this sending a wrong message to? The students? Their parents? Is sex a taboo topic that we shouldn’t ever post jokes about?This is the thing – our lives are far more public now than they ever were before. Things that are posted online now never would have seen the light of day even five years ago, 10 at the most. But we’re all people. When we’re young, we’re more likely to go out drinking with friends. And now, we’re likely for it to be documented in some way.There is nothing wrong with going out with friends and drinking if you’re of legal age.Jokes we make with our friends, we now post publicly to share with even more friends. Some of our friends are probably going to find those jokes in poor taste. If they continue to, however, they can just choose not to stay connected with us. Easy peasy.Things that would have been shocking to see publicly a few years ago are nothing to even bat an eyelash at now. I’ve often said I’m very glad that Instagram, Facebook and Twitter didn’t exist when I was in my teens or 20s. I did plenty of stupid and inappropriate things, as do most of us at that age.OK, so to your question: “What did I do wrong?”Why did you report your colleague to your supervisor? Did she do anything that put the children in danger? Did she mention her employer in the joke? Did she directly impugn the reputation of your institution?In other words, what did her personal life have to do with her work? From what you said, it doesn’t sound as if she came to work drunk or taught swear words to the wee ones. It sounds as if you don’t particularly approve of her lifestyle or humor, and wanted someone else to tell her to cut it out.Your other co-workers are mad because now they’re afraid that if they post photos or jokes that you deem “inappropriate” that they’ll get in trouble, too. What makes you the arbiter of what behavior is appropriate?You might think that because your boss agreed with you that you were right, and so that excuses your behavior. That’s just passing the buck. Your boss might have felt that there was no other option, once it was brought to light, and perhaps you might have made a fuss if no action was taken. And even if your boss completely agreed with you, it still comes down to the fact that it’s not your job to police your co-workers and pass judgment on their lives.We are not our jobs. We have lives outside our work, and as long as it doesn’t interfere with our work, we’re entitled to live those lives. While we have to live with the consequences of our actions – if your friend had been partying with children, or doing drugs, that could have been another story – but if our actions are harmless, why should there be any consequences?I do tell people that they should be very judicious about what they post online, precisely because there are people who will project their own morality on them. But people should be able to live their lives and enjoy themselves in their down time without worrying that someone is going to judge them.Next time, think before you report. Consider why you’re reporting this person. Did they really do anything wrong or did you just not approve of the behavior? If the latter, well, that’s your problem, not hers.