Dear Amy: The #SMEtiquette of Asking for Favors

Today's Dear Amy #SMEtiquette question comes by way of my ask box and brings up another issue I think many - if not all - of us have faced over the past few years: People from our pasts with big favors to ask.

Dear Amy:Is it acceptable behavior to use social media channels to send someone a request for a favor, particularly if you either don't know that person very well or have not been in touch with them in a long time?For example, recently someone I haven't been in touch with in about 28 years (for real!) sent me a LinkedIn message asking to review some designs for his new company. Then, someone who worked at a company that used to be a client of our company - with a relationship that ended badly and no contact whatsoever since then - asked me out of the blue via LinkedIn to mentor a relative of hers.These are major favors! Even if it was something easy, I would find it annoying. And big "asks" like this seem completely unreasonable. What do you think? Is it OK to use social media to ask for favors just because you can?Sincerely,Not in Favor of Favors

Dear Favors:While it is most certainly acceptable to ask people for favors through social media channels (just as it is in real life), it feels as if people are emboldened to ask for favors they never would ask for in real life.The short answer to your question, particularly the example you shared, is no, this is not “appropriate” behavior.Imagine, if you will, that you’re at your 20th high school reunion. Someone you haven’t spoken with since graduation day comes up to you and asks for a job recommendation. You have never worked with this person, nor even in the same field as this person.You wouldn’t think for a second that this was appropriate behavior. So why is the digital equivalent of it acceptable?Obviously, you don’t find it acceptable, so I’m going to write this addressing those who do find it acceptable.One of the terrific things about social media is the ability to get back in touch with people we’ve worked with or otherwise known over the decades. I’ve reconnected with so many terrific people over the past few years, and really enjoyed that.I do field questions from these old connections from time to time, but they’re generally small asks and they’re trying to do something themselves and just need a little direction. I don’t mind those at all.But other times, I get pretty big asks. “Help me find a job” or the like. I can pass along job listings I see and I don’t mind that, but I’m not a recruiter. I often ask these folks to send me their resume, so if I do hear of something, I know if they’re qualified for it.I cannot, however, recommend this person for a job, because I haven’t the slightest idea how good he is at this job. I was once haunted on GChat by someone, constantly asking me if I had any job leads for him yet.So to your examples: People need to use common sense. If you had a work relationship that ended poorly, why would you want this person to mentor a relative? Better yet, why would this person want to mentor your relative? Even if the work relationship ended nicely, if you haven’t communicated in years, why would you expect this person to be a mentor for your relative?There are so many things people do online that they’d never do in real life. And this comes down to your last statement – “just because you can”.Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should do something. Before asking for favors online, think about whether you’d ask if this was offline. Would you feel uncomfortable asking for any reasons other than being shy?Would you expect this person to consider this a reasonable request?If the answer is “no,” well, then, that’s the answer you should expect when you do make the request online.How to deal with these asks? Sometimes silence is your best tool. It sounds passive-aggressive, but I don’t regard it that way. If someone is asking for a recommendation, they’re probably asking many people and just spammed their entire LinkedIn connections list for the recommendation. In those cases, ignoring might be the best route.But in most cases, you do need to address the issue head-on, or else you’ll just keep getting asked. Plus, it’s kind of rude to just ignore people.For the person asking for the design review, simply tell him that’s not your specialty and you’re pretty swamped these days. Short and sweet.For the person asking you to mentor someone – tell her you are touched that she thought of you, but your schedule is too busy to take on a mentee at this time. Or if you already are mentoring someone, well, that makes it a little easier.It’s hard to have to be the gracious one when you’re getting such ungracious requests. However, you never know when these connections will come in handy in the future. By handling their outrageous requests with grace, you leave the door open for a future relationship, just hopefully not one that consists of asks such as these.[listly id="Css" layout="gallery"]